A Deeply Unhelpful Meditation for the Chronically Anxious

Do you ever try to meditate, only to find yourself trapped in a mental montage of past embarrassments, existential dread, and sudden, inexplicable panic about that email you sent last week? Then Breathe In, Panic Out is the meditation audio for you!

This  self-aware guided meditation takes you on a not-so-relaxing journey through deep breaths, intrusive thoughts, and the crushing weight of your to-do list. With a soothing voice that absolutely does not match the chaos about to unfold, you'll be guided through:

✨ Breathwork… that inevitably derails into an overanalysis of that one cringey thing you said in 2014.
✨ Body scanning… where you’ll realize your jaw is clenched, your shoulders are sky-high, and your stomach is basically a stress knot factory.
✨ A moment of peace… until you remember that vague, ominous text from your boss and spiral into an existential crisis.
✨ Visualization… of a peaceful meadow, now completely ruined by a spontaneous deep dive into your worst decisions.

Perfect for overthinkers, anxious spiralers, and those who find traditional meditation just a little too competent. Let’s be honest—are you really going to clear your mind, or are you just going to sit there, pretending to be calm while obsessing over your entire life?

Take a deep breath in… and panic out. (Or don’t. Let’s be real, this is just who you are now.)

Namaste… or whatever.