Dead Inside but Functional: A 9-Minute Guided Meditation

For the Emotionally Detached and Barely Functional ☠️

Because you don’t need motivation—you just need to survive.

This 9-minute guided meditation is designed for those who wake up exhausted, coast through life on autopilot, and have accepted that bare minimum is a perfectly valid coping strategy. Whether you're trudging through work, dodging social obligations, or simply trying to suppress an existential crisis before bed, this meditation offers just enough grounding to keep you upright—without any of that toxic positivity nonsense.

What’s Inside?

🖤 Morning Motivation – Because responsibilities exist, unfortunately.
🖤 Workplace Mantras – Survive your job without breaking a sweat.
🖤 Social Interaction Survival – Just enough engagement to seem human.
🖤 Dating & Relationships – Emotionally unavailable, but make it charming.
🖤 Self-Care, But Bare Minimum – Drinking water counts as thriving, right?
🖤 Nighttime Affirmations – Because tomorrow is a problem for future you.

Why You Need This:

✔️ You respond to “How are you?” with “Existing.”
✔️ You zone out in meetings but somehow still have a job.
✔️ You consider answering one text per week as “keeping in touch.”
✔️ You’d meditate for real… but that sounds exhausting.

How to Use It:

🎧 Listen daily, or whenever life feels like a video game on hard mode.
💀 Play it in the background while pretending to work.
🛌 Use it before bed as a gentle reminder that you tried… sorta.

You don’t need a breakthrough—you just need to function.

Congratulations, you’re now slightly more prepared to exist. Enjoy.