Be Here Now (Unless You’d Rather Think About the Future and Panic)

Mindfulness, But for People Who Have Never Actually Been Present in the Moment

Welcome to your 7-8 minute guided meditation audio, designed for those whose idea of “being present” is anxiously predicting all possible future disasters.

In this meditation, you will:

⏳ Attempt to stay in the moment—before immediately wondering if you left the oven on.
⏳ Acknowledge your breath—but only after realizing you’ve been holding it for no reason.
⏳ Recite half-hearted affirmations—like "The future can suck it—I don’t need to rehearse my own downfall."
⏳ Visualize yourself fully present—until your brain derails into a gripping analysis of mortgage rates.
⏳ Try (and fail) to stop obsessing over the past and future—because time is a flat circle of panic.

As this meditation ends, take a deep breath and appreciate this moment… unless you’re already panicking about dinner, next year’s taxes, or that thing you said in 2019.

Namaste, you hopeless wrecks. You’re present… barely.