Welcome to this guided meditation, where we’ll attempt to calm your racing thoughts—unless, of course, you manage to overthink this too.
Let’s begin.
Take a deep breath in...
(But not too deep. We wouldn’t want you to hyperventilate. Just a normal, calm breath. Unless you’re already panicking about whether this breath was too shallow. That’s fine. Totally normal. Let’s try again.)
Breathe in... hold... and release.
Wow. What a champion breather you are. I mean, truly impressive stuff. The oxygen gods are definitely giving you a slow clap right now. Unless you’re now wondering if you’re exhaling too loudly. Don’t worry—no one's judging you. Well, except you.
Now, notice your body.
Feel your shoulders. They’re probably tense from carrying the weight of every awkward thing you’ve ever said. Let’s relax them. Or at least try.
Feel your jaw. Yep, that’s tight too. Loosen it. No need to look like you’re preparing for battle.
Good. Now let’s focus on your mind.
Ah yes, the overthinking headquarters. A beautiful yet chaotic place where even the simplest thought can spiral into existential dread. Right now, you might be thinking:
- "Am I breathing too fast?"
- "Did I leave the stove on?"
- "Why did I say ‘you too’ when the waiter said ‘enjoy your meal’... six years ago?"
Breathe in... and let that spiral happen. Embrace it. You’re already halfway there. Might as well lean into the chaos.
Now, let’s scan the body.
- Your chest might feel a little tight. No, it’s not a heart attack. Probably.
- Your stomach’s got butterflies—more like moths of anxiety flapping around.
- Your hands might be a little sweaty. Congrats, you’re basically a human stress ball.
Let’s try grounding ourselves.
Name five things you can see. (Besides your future falling apart, obviously.)
Name four things you can touch. (Bonus points if one of them is your phone, which you’re probably using to Google “why am I like this?”)
Name three things you can hear. (Oh look, it’s the sound of your own overthinking echoing in your skull.)
Breathe in... and remember: Anxiety is like that annoying friend who overstays their welcome.
You can acknowledge it, but you don’t have to give it the good snacks.
Now repeat after me:
- “I am not my anxiety. I am just a person who panics recreationally.”
- “Stress is temporary. But my ability to overthink everything is eternal.”
- “I am capable of handling anything... unless it involves making a phone call.”
Take one final breath...
And as you exhale, release all the tension, the worry, and the mental to-do list that you’ll probably still ignore until the last minute.
Congratulations—you’ve survived another meditation. You’re basically a Zen master now... until the next mildly stressful email arrives.
Namaste, or whatever.
The Author: Dicholas Chad Pansy
Dicholas Chad Pansy is a self-proclaimed professional overthinker who spent three years writing latest book, “Maybe I’m the problem,” and another two years apologizing to everyone involved in its publication. After earning his degree in Existential Panic, he dedicated his life to turning his anxiety into content, which his therapist calls "an interesting coping mechanism."
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