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Step 1: Procrastinate Until Your Future Self Hates You

Why do something today when you can push it off until the crushing weight of urgency suffocates you? Bills? Deadlines? Important life decisions? Just keep saying, “I’ll deal with it later.” Your future self is strong—let them suffer. Bonus points if you spend the time you should be working watching TikTok videos about productivity.

Step 2: Care Deeply About What Everyone Thinks (Especially Strangers Who Don’t Matter)

Want to truly make yourself miserable? Spend every waking second obsessing over whether that mildly disinterested barista secretly hates you. Rehearse every interaction, replay every awkward moment, and assume that every vague tweet is about you. If they say “LOL” instead of “HAHA,” it’s definitely a sign they despise you.

Step 3: Ignore Red Flags Like They’re Green Lights

Someone shows clear warning signs that they’re emotionally unavailable, financially irresponsible, or possibly just a walking dumpster fire? Date them immediately. Even better—move in with them. And when people warn you, just say, “You don’t know them like I do.” The universe is handing you neon-lit, screaming red flags, and you? You’re out here saying, “Challenge accepted.”

Step 4: Avoid Therapy at All Costs (But Trauma-Dump on Friends Instead)

You could get actual professional help… OR you could vent to your friends in excruciating detail, completely ignoring their emotional bandwidth. And when they suggest therapy? Laugh and say, “Haha, no, I’m too self-aware for that.” Meanwhile, your coping mechanisms include avoiding eye contact in the mirror and pretending a face mask counts as emotional healing

Step 5: Financially Wreck Yourself for No Reason

Step one: Buy things you don’t need. Step two: Justify it as “self-care.” Step three: Watch your credit score plummet while clutching a $7 latte you definitely couldn't afford. Real champions of financial ruin don’t budget—they “manifest abundance” while ignoring their bank statements.

Step 6: Make Impulse Decisions That You Will 100% Regret

If you really want to speed-run self-destruction, make every decision based purely on temporary emotions. Feeling bored? Get a tattoo of your ex’s name. Need excitement? Quit your job with zero backup plan. Looking for change? Cut bangs. (Spoiler: You will cry, but you won’t learn your lesson.)

Step 7: Say ‘Yes’ to Everything (Even When You’re Dying Inside)

Who cares if you’re mentally and physically drained? Agree to everything. Accept every favor, show up to every event, and respond to every text immediately. Burnout is a myth! Overextend yourself into oblivion, then act shocked when you wake up one day feeling like a hollow shell of a person.

Step 8: Compare Yourself to Unrealistic Standards

Scrolling Instagram at 2 AM and convincing yourself you’re a failure because someone with a trust fund is traveling through Europe? Fantastic. Measure your entire self-worth against influencers who FaceTime their breakfast. Never mind the fact that these people are professionally pretending to be perfect—you should definitely feel bad about your entire existence instead.

Step 9: Never Set Boundaries (Because What If Someone Gets Mad?)

The key to a truly miserable life is people-pleasing to the point of personal collapse. Let people walk all over you, say “yes” when you mean “no,” and feel guilty for even considering putting yourself first. If someone asks for your kidney, just give it to them. Saying “no” makes you a bad person, obviously.

Step 10: Worry About Every Possible Worst-Case Scenario

Rational thinking? Boring. Live your life in a constant state of worst-case-scenario panic. Assume every headache is a brain tumor, every job meeting is a firing, and every text message that says “we need to talk” means your entire world is about to crumble. If you don’t assume disaster at every turn, are you even trying to ruin your life properly?