Calm the F*ck Down (Or At Least Try)

A Guided Meditation for the Perpetually Overwhelmed

Welcome to your 7-8 minute guided meditation audio, designed for those whose inner peace is currently being held hostage by an anxiety-ridden, over-caffeinated raccoon.

In this meditation, you will:

🔥 Breathe deeply—as if trying to extinguish the dumpster fire of your thoughts.
🔥 Attempt to visualize serenity—before your brain promptly turns it into a post-apocalyptic wasteland.
🔥 Repeat powerful affirmations—such as "I am a badass warrior" and "I will not let my anxiety stage a hostile takeover."
🔥 Wrestle your intrusive thoughts into submission—whether they manifest as a screeching chihuahua or an existential crisis wearing a party hat.
🔥 Embrace the chaos, but tell it to sit the f*ck down.

As this meditation ends, take a moment to recognize your strength. You may not have achieved full enlightenment, but you’ve made it through without combusting. That’s progress. Now go forth and handle your sh*t—like the warrior you are.

Namaste, bitches.