Welcome to the ultimate self-assessment quiz that you absolutely don’t need because you already know the answer: No, you are not fine. But you’ve convinced yourself otherwise with the kind of Olympic-level mental gymnastics that would put Simone Biles to shame.
Signs You’re Absolutely Not Fine, Despite What You Keep Telling Yourself
✔ You say “I’m fine” at least 15 times a day. You could be on fire, trapped under a boulder, and actively being chased by a swarm of bees, and you’d still respond with, “Oh, yeah, I’m good, just a little tired.”
✔ You keep telling yourself “it’s not that bad.” Ah yes, the classic phrase of someone who is definitely not okay. That pit in your stomach? The nightly existential dread? That minor breakdown you had in the Target parking lot? Yeah, totally fine.
✔ You think about quitting your job at least once per week. Bonus points if you daydream about faking your own death just to get out of answering another email.
✔ You have the emotional range of a malfunctioning Roomba. One minute, you’re aggressively optimistic and starting a new hobby. The next, you’re lying in bed at 3 AM replaying an awkward conversation from 2014. Balance!
✔ You recently Googled “am I having a breakdown or am I just dramatic?” If you had to Google it, the answer is yes.
✔ Your therapist suggests journaling, and you immediately pretend you didn’t hear them. “Write down my thoughts and feelings? Bold of you to assume I want to be alone with those.”
✔ You laugh way too hard at dark humor memes. The more specific the trauma joke, the harder you cackle. “Haha, imagine self-sabotaging every good thing in your life! Oh wait…”
✔ You are either too productive or not at all productive—there is no in-between. Some days, you file your taxes, deep clean your apartment, and start a small business before 10 AM. Other days, getting off the couch feels like running an ultra-marathon.
✔ You say “we should hang out soon” to people you fully intend to avoid. Social energy? Never heard of her.
✔ You have an active Notes app full of life-changing realizations that you’ll never act on. The sheer number of times you’ve “had a breakthrough” at 2 AM and immediately forgotten about it by morning is impressive.
Why Do You Keep Gaslighting Yourself?
Because admitting you’re struggling would require actual self-reflection, and honestly, who has the time? Instead, you’ve perfected the following:
➡ Toxic positivity. “It’s fine! It could be worse!” (It is worse, but go off.)
➡ Deflection. “I’m not anxious, I just haven’t slept in three years.”
➡ Avoidance. “I’ll deal with my emotions later.” (Narrator: They did not deal with their emotions later.)
So…What Now?
Look, you could actually check in with yourself and acknowledge your feelings, but that’s a lot of work. Instead, here are three low-effort strategies:
1️⃣ Take a nap. Sometimes you just need to turn yourself off and restart.
2️⃣ Eat something that isn’t coffee and an old granola bar. Basic sustenance is a game-changer.
3️⃣ Allow yourself to feel emotions without immediately dismissing them. (I know, radical concept.)
Or, you know, just continue spiraling in denial. Either way—totally your call. But just in case you need it: No, you’re not fine. And that’s okay.
The Author: Dicholas Chad Pansy
Dicholas Chad Pansy is a self-proclaimed professional overthinker who spent three years writing latest book, “Maybe I’m the problem,” and another two years apologizing to everyone involved in its publication. After earning his degree in Existential Panic, he dedicated his life to turning his anxiety into content, which his therapist calls "an interesting coping mechanism."
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