Welcome to the post-breakup zone, where every song somehow becomes about your ex and your phone might as well be a loaded weapon. 📱 Whether you're fresh out of a relationship or still stalking their Instagram from 2019, this guide is for you. Let's navigate the treacherous waters of not texting your ex (while simultaneously memorizing their new girlfriend's entire social media history).
Stage 1: The "I'm Totally Fine" Denial Phase 🙃
You're not fine. You're actually googling "how to tell if your ex misses you based on their Spotify activity" at 3 AM. But hey, at least you're staying hydrated with all those tears! Key symptoms include:
- · Telling everyone you're "focusing on yourself" while actually focusing on their location on Find My Friends
- · Creating fake scenarios in your head where they realize they made a huge mistake (spoiler: they're actually just living their life)
- · Convincing yourself that liking their mom's Facebook post from 2017 is totally normal and not at all desperate
Stage 2: The Digital Warfare Phase 💻
This is where you become a certified CIA agent, except your only mission is tracking their online activity. Your reconnaissance includes:
✔️ Checking their "Last Active" status every 4.3 minutes ✔️ Analyzing their tweets for hidden messages that are definitely not there ✔️ Creating a complex algorithm to determine if that Instagram story was meant for you ✔️ Becoming fluent in reading into absolutely nothing
Stage 3: The Drafts Folder Saga 📝
Ah yes, the art of writing texts you'll never send (hopefully). Your drafts folder now looks like a rejected romance novel:
"Hey, just saw a dog that looked like yours..." (Delete) "Remember that time we..." (Delete) "I hate you but also miss your face" (Delete, but save in Notes app for later) "Hope you're doing well! :)" (Translation: I am absolutely not doing well)
Emergency Anti-Texting Protocols 🚨
When the urge to text hits (usually between 10 PM and 2 AM, or after exactly 1.5 glasses of wine), try these totally reliable methods:
- 1. The Phone Friend Lock 📱 Give your phone to a friend for safekeeping. Warning: May result in them posting embarrassing stories on your social media instead.
- 2. The Distraction Method 🎭 Start a new hobby! Maybe take up knitting, because nothing says "I'm over you" like aggressively creating a scarf in July.
- 3. The Classic Delete Their Number Trick ❌ (But let's be real, you memorized it anyway, you beautiful disaster.)
Warning Signs You're About to Text Them 🚩
- · You've convinced yourself that "checking if they're alive" is a valid reason to make contact
- · You just watched a rom-com where the couple gets back together
- · Mercury is in retrograde and you're using that as justification
- · You've had exactly enough wine to think "but what if..." is a good starting point for any decision
Alternative Activities to Texting Your Ex 🎯
Instead of reaching out, try these equally destructive but less embarrassing activities:
✔️ Start a Podcast Because the world definitely needs another "journey to self-discovery" series.
✔️ Get Bangs A classic post-breakup move that you'll definitely not regret in 3-5 business days.
✔️ Download a Dating App Nothing heals emotional wounds like trying to decipher what "looking for my soulmate or whatever" actually means in someone's bio.
✔️ Reorganize Your Entire Living Space Marie Kondo your way through the pain (but keep that box of their stuff "just in case").
The "I Actually Texted Them" Recovery Plan 🆘
So you did it. You actually texted them. Don't panic! Here's your emergency response protocol:
- 1. Immediate Damage Control:
- o Throw your phone into the sea (kidding, you need it to stalk them later)
- o Tell your friends so they can properly shame you
- o Practice your "I meant to text someone else" excuse
- 2. The Aftermath:
- o Change your name
- o Move to a different country
- o Start a new life as a sheep herder in New Zealand
Final Words of Wisdom 💭
Remember: For every text you don't send, you save a small piece of your dignity. And if you did text them? Well, there's always tomorrow to start the "not texting" streak again. You're doing amazing, sweetie (even if your screen time report suggests otherwise).
Disclaimer: This guide was written by someone who definitely hasn't checked their ex's LinkedIn in the last 24 hours. Any resemblance to actual texting behaviors is purely coincidental and honestly a bit attacking.
The Author: Dicholas Chad Pansy
Dicholas Chad Pansy is a self-proclaimed professional overthinker who spent three years writing latest book, “Maybe I’m the problem,” and another two years apologizing to everyone involved in its publication. After earning his degree in Existential Panic, he dedicated his life to turning his anxiety into content, which his therapist calls "an interesting coping mechanism."
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