Ah, texting—the modern gladiator arena where you battle your own overthinking until there’s nothing left but anxiety and existential dread. Congratulations! If you’ve ever stared at a “Hey” text like it holds the secrets of the universe, this guide is for you.
1. Receive the Text (Let the Games Begin)
It starts with a simple buzz. You glance at your phone. Three words. Maybe an emoji. Seems innocent, right? WRONG. This is where your brain transforms into a crime scene investigator, ready to dissect every pixel.
2. Immediately Assume the Worst
Was that period passive-aggressive? Why didn’t they use an exclamation mark? Is “K” short for “Kindly never contact me again”? The possibilities are endless—and all catastrophic.
3. Reread It 47 Times in Case You Missed a Hidden Code
Just to be sure, you analyze it like you’re cracking the Da Vinci Code. Maybe the lack of punctuation is actually a sign of deep-seated resentment. Maybe that “lol” was sarcasm. Maybe they hate you.
4. Consult the Overthinking Committee (AKA, Your Friends)
Immediately screenshot the text and send it to the group chat with, “Is this weird or am I crazy?” Your friends will unanimously respond, “You’re overthinking.” Naturally, you assume they just don’t get it.
5. Craft Your Response Like You’re Defusing a Bomb
One wrong word could ruin everything, so you draft at least seven versions of your reply. Too enthusiastic? Too dry? Will a single “haha” seem dismissive? Maybe you should just fake your own disappearance.
6. Send the Text—Instant Regret Ensues
Congratulations, you’ve hit send! Now enjoy staring at your phone like a hawk, waiting for those three dots to appear. Spoiler: They’ll pop up, vanish, then reappear just to toy with your fragile soul.
7. Overanalyze the Lack of Immediate Response
It’s been five minutes. Clearly, they’re consulting their lawyer on how to file a restraining order. If they cared, they would’ve responded immediately, right? RIGHT?!
8. Receive Their Reply—Now Spiral Even Harder
Finally, a response! Except it’s short. Too short. Maybe they’re mad. Or busy. Or plotting your downfall. Time to repeat steps 2 through 7 until you collapse from emotional exhaustion.
Final Thoughts (AKA, Why You’ll Never Text in Peace Again)
Here’s the harsh truth: They probably sent that text without a second thought. But where’s the fun in that? Overthinking is practically a modern-day hobby—might as well lean into it. Just remember: If you’re not questioning every interaction, are you even living?
Disclaimer: This is satire. Unless you’re currently spiraling over a text, in which case… deep breaths. It’s probably fine. Maybe. Probably not. But maybe.
The Author: Dicholas Chad Pansy
Dicholas Chad Pansy is a self-proclaimed professional overthinker who spent three years writing latest book, “Maybe I’m the problem,” and another two years apologizing to everyone involved in its publication. After earning his degree in Existential Panic, he dedicated his life to turning his anxiety into content, which his therapist calls "an interesting coping mechanism."
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