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Step 1: The Ritual of Doing Literally Anything Else

Got a deadline? A major life task that could improve your situation? Perfect! This is the exact moment your brain will decide that reorganizing your spice cabinet is the single most urgent task of your entire existence.

You don’t even cook. But now? Suddenly, alphabetical spice placement is critical to your survival.

Step 2: The "I Deserve a Break" Lie

You just sat down to start working, but WAIT—shouldn’t you reward yourself for even thinking about being productive? Yes, obviously. Time for a snack, a quick episode of something, and an unnecessary deep dive into Wikipedia’s list of famous unsolved mysteries.

Oh, look at that—three hours gone and now you know everything about the disappearance of Amelia Earhart, but still haven’t responded to that work email from last week.

Step 3: The Sudden Desire for Self-Improvement (That Will Never Happen)

If you had a nickel for every time you promised yourself you’d get your life together… you’d have enough money to buy all those self-help books you never read.

Now, instead of working, you’ve decided this is the moment to "start a new habit." You download five productivity apps. You make an aesthetic to-do list. You add "drink more water" just so you can cross something off. You stare at it proudly. You accomplish nothing.

Step 4: The "Just Five More Minutes" Delusion

This is where you tell yourself you’ll start in five minutes. Then five minutes later, you say, “Okay, at the next half-hour mark.” Then, “Okay, but I need to mentally prepare first.” And before you know it, it’s 2 AM and you’re too "tired" to be productive. Guess it’ll have to wait until tomorrow!

(Repeat this cycle for three to five business years.)

Step 5: The Adrenaline-Packed Final Countdown

Ah, the sweet, heart-pounding panic of a looming deadline. Now you’re sweating, your heart rate has spiked, and suddenly, you’re an Olympic sprinter racing against time.

Congratulations! You’ve managed to complete your task in a fraction of the time, proving that you could have done this days ago—but instead, you needed the thrill of potential failure breathing down your neck. You absolute psychopath.

Step 6: The Immediate Regret

It’s done. You turned in the work. You survived. But was it worth the stress? No. Will you do this again? Absolutely. Have you learned anything? Not a chance.

Now, time to relax! (Until the next deadline rolls around and you do this all over again.)

Disclaimer: This post is satire. But if you feel attacked, maybe—just maybe—you should start that thing you’ve been putting off. Or don’t. Your choice.

Step 9: Never Set Boundaries (Because What If Someone Gets Mad?)

The key to a truly miserable life is people-pleasing to the point of personal collapse. Let people walk all over you, say “yes” when you mean “no,” and feel guilty for even considering putting yourself first. If someone asks for your kidney, just give it to them. Saying “no” makes you a bad person, obviously.

Step 10: Worry About Every Possible Worst-Case Scenario

Rational thinking? Boring. Live your life in a constant state of worst-case-scenario panic. Assume every headache is a brain tumor, every job meeting is a firing, and every text message that says “we need to talk” means your entire world is about to crumble. If you don’t assume disaster at every turn, are you even trying to ruin your life properly?