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Step 1: Accept That You’re Terrible With Money

First things first, let’s drop the self-delusion. You say you’re going to “start budgeting,” but in reality, you’re three clicks away from another unnecessary Etsy purchase. The first step to financial stability is recognizing that you have the spending habits of a raccoon let loose in a 24-hour convenience store.

Step 2: Identify Your Most Ridiculous Purchases (And Then Do It Again Anyway)

Go ahead, take a little stroll through your bank statements. Let’s examine the absolutely vital purchases you’ve made this month:
✔️ A $14 smoothie because it had adaptogens and “high vibes.”
✔️ A $200 “ergonomic” chair that is now just an expensive laundry rack.
✔️ An online course you’ll never complete because learning a new skill sounded great for exactly 12 minutes.
✔️ A random Amazon haul that includes a mini waffle maker, 800 stickers, and a set of motivational quote wall decals you’ll never put up.

Congratulations, you are a human cash incinerator.

Step 3: The Magical Concept of “Saving Money” (Which You’ll Ignore)

People with functional finances talk about emergency funds, 401(k)s, and investments—meanwhile, you’re out here debating whether or not to spend $60 on a banana-shaped nightlight. But sure, let’s pretend you’re totally going to start saving this month.

Pro tip: If your savings plan includes “manifesting wealth” but does NOT include actually saving money, you may be in trouble.

Step 4: Trick Yourself Into Budgeting

Since you have zero self-control, we need to make budgeting idiot-proof:
✔️ Set up auto-transfers to a savings account you don’t have easy access to (preferably one you forget exists).
✔️ Use cash—if you have to physically hand over money, it’ll hurt more. (Or just Venmo yourself and pretend you’re “paying a bill.”)
✔️ Give yourself a ‘Dumb Sh*t Fund’—a small, dedicated amount specifically for unnecessary purchases. (Let’s be honest, you’re going to do it anyway.)

Step 5: Financial Responsibility, But Make It Delusional

Instead of actually changing your spending habits, here are some alternative ways to feel financially responsible without doing anything productive:
✔️ Watching personal finance TikToks and feeling accomplished.
✔️ Downloading a budgeting app but never opening it.
✔️ “Rewarding” yourself for not spending money by… spending money.
✔️ Convincing yourself that a $120 face serum is an “investment in your future.”

Step 6: Accept That You Will Probably Keep Buying Dumb Sh*t

Listen, I could tell you to stop impulse buying, but let’s be real—you are absolutely going to buy something stupid before the week is over. The goal here isn’t to completely stop, it’s to limit the damage.

So next time you feel the need to buy a crystal-infused water bottle, ask yourself:
✔️ Will this improve my life in any meaningful way? (No.)
✔️ Will I still care about this in a month? (No.)
✔️ Do I already own something almost identical? (Yes.)
✔️ Will I buy it anyway? (Obviously.)

Step 9: Never Set Boundaries (Because What If Someone Gets Mad?)

The key to a truly miserable life is people-pleasing to the point of personal collapse. Let people walk all over you, say “yes” when you mean “no,” and feel guilty for even considering putting yourself first. If someone asks for your kidney, just give it to them. Saying “no” makes you a bad person, obviously.

Step 10: Worry About Every Possible Worst-Case Scenario

Rational thinking? Boring. Live your life in a constant state of worst-case-scenario panic. Assume every headache is a brain tumor, every job meeting is a firing, and every text message that says “we need to talk” means your entire world is about to crumble. If you don’t assume disaster at every turn, are you even trying to ruin your life properly?