Welcome, fellow spiralers, to the prestigious academy of self-inflicted stress, where we take even the most basic decisions and transform them into elaborate, soul-crushing internal debates. If you’ve ever spent 45 minutes crafting a text message only to delete it and never send anything, congratulations! You’re already a distinguished graduate of the Overthinking Institute of Paralyzing Indecision.
Step 1: The Thought Spiral Initiation Process
It starts with a simple decision—what to eat, what to wear, how to respond to a casual “hey” text—and quickly morphs into a psychological thriller where every choice is life or death.
Example:
- You: Hmm, what should I eat?
- Your Brain: What if you pick the wrong thing and regret it?
- You: Oh.
- Your Brain: What if eating that burrito is the first domino in a chain of events that leads to your demise?
- You: …
- Your Brain: Better just starve.
Step 2: The ‘What If?’ Olympics
Ah yes, the mental gymnastics routine where you analyze every possible outcome, invent new problems, and catastrophize like it’s an Olympic sport.
- What if I make the wrong choice and ruin my entire future?
- What if I accidentally offend someone and they spend the next 12 years resenting me?
- What if I lock in this decision and suddenly a better option appears two seconds later?
- What if I say “you too” when the waiter tells me to enjoy my meal??
Step 3: Polling the Entire Population for Validation
When in doubt, ask everyone you know for their opinion—then ignore all of it and continue suffering.
- Text 5 friends for their input.
- Ask the internet via an Instagram poll.
- Consult your therapist (who is just your dog staring blankly at you).
- Look for signs from the universe (aka hoping a butterfly lands on you with an answer).
Result: Still indecisive. Now with extra exhaustion.
Step 4: The Final Decision—Immediately Followed by Deep Regret
After HOURS of deliberation, you finally choose something… and instantly wish you’d picked the other thing. This is known as Buyer’s Remorse but for Life.
- Picked a movie? It was the wrong one.
- Sent a text? You sounded weird.
- Ordered food? What if it’s not satisfying?
Finally made a career decision? Cool. Now what if you just destroyed your entire future?
Step 5: The Bonus Round—Replaying It Forever
Even after the choice is made, you’re not free. No, no. You now analyze it for the rest of eternity.
“Did I handle that correctly?”
“What if I could have done it better?”
“Should I have gone with my other option?”
Your brain, playing on a loop: ERROR: DECISION CANNOT BE UNDONE. PLEASE PANIC.
How to Stop Overthinking (LOL, Just Kidding—You Can’t)
If you were expecting actual solutions, you must be new here. The only way to truly defeat overthinking is to completely detach from reality, and unfortunately, you’re too self-aware for that.
Instead, here are your only options:
☑ Accept that you will always make things harder for yourself.
☑ Embrace the decision paralysis lifestyle.
☑ Just flip a coin and pretend fate made the choice.
Or, you know… just sit there and overthink about how much you overthink. That works too.
The Author: Dicholas Chad Pansy
Dicholas Chad Pansy is a self-proclaimed professional overthinker who spent three years writing latest book, “Maybe I’m the problem,” and another two years apologizing to everyone involved in its publication. After earning his degree in Existential Panic, he dedicated his life to turning his anxiety into content, which his therapist calls "an interesting coping mechanism."
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